Ahh, Bethesda physics, you never let me down. Starfield‘s no exception—and its physics engine is genuinely impressive, able to handle thousands of potatoes stuffed into a room (with some understandable framerate tanks and whining from your rig). PC Gamer’s Lauren Morton even had some fun herself, shoving all sorts into that same locker.
We’ve seen Rube Goldberg machines and milk rain in New Atlantis, but most of these experiments are due to things just… falling down. Gravity’s beautiful, but it’s predictable. You put milk cartons in the sky and they’ll plummet, certain as cheese wheels and taxes. Earlier this week though, player Joshohoho saw an opportunity to create Starfield’s largest industrial-grade salad tosser.
Behold. The wonders of the universe exist not in any star, solar system, or wonder of natural life—but in the humble lettuce and tomato, and rolling around in a big metal bin. It’s honestly kinda soothing to watch, borderline mindful. No matter how scary space might be, I’ll always have the big salad tosser in my heart.
One comment from Joshohoho stuck out to me, though. “Have you seen my other salads?” Ah, so this person’s a hobbyist. I can respect that. Time to see what else they’ve been working with. Oh. Oh no. Their salads-based physics tests just keep going. Here they terrorise some innocent bystanders by using the gravity well power to crush them into a ball of greens like The Huddle from Inside.
They use that same power to suck Andreja into what I can only describe as a salad-themed torture chamber, like a wrathful god punishing its acolytes for the smallest sleight. Andreja survives the experience, kept alive for more rounds in the salad box. I have no dressing and I must scream.
A month back from that we see Joshohoho—whose name I am now starting to associate with fiendish laughter—discovering their fixation. A swarm of salad unfolds out from a single line in Zero G, like some tear in reality through which a lovecraftian salad god spills forth.
It even looks like Joshohoho has stopped being able to differentiate between salad and NPCs. “Enough of my salad videos. Here are some UC Marines getting tenderised”, they declare, posting a video of around 20 brave soldiers who’ll never see their families just… flopping around the salad tosser, getting momentarily suspended in zero gravity, then collapsing back into the turbine to do it all again.
I’m not sure what prompted these man-made horrors beyond our comprehension. Perhaps a love of vitamins, an appreciation for fibre, or a tragic accident involving spinach. While Joshohoho obviously used console commands for most of these, the turbine itself—and its zero gravity cycle—can actually be found in-game. It’s located in the Deimos Armored Transport, an abandoned spaceship near Grissom in Alpha Alpha Centauri.